he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
