Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
