i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
