One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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