i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
