there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
