so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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