Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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