I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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