We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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