Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
