Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
