low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
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