I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
