Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Floor bacon is actually really good
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
