can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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