I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
My penis needs a shock collar
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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