The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
