so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Randomize
