my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize