Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
