I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
