Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
