Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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