My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
