my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm just crazy horny about you
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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