The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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