i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
My dick has a subreddit
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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