WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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