is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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