I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
