im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
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