why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
