I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize