We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
