Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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