What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
