nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I'm passing your future prison.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
