I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Those nachos came to me in a dream
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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