Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
