my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
