I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
