Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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