I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
