I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
