Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
