Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
