youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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