i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
