its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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