I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
that may or may not have been my penis.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize