Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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