I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
