cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
my poor anus
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
