I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
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