Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
