We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
