Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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