So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
