last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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