If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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